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May 18, 2025
It's funny the things that stay with you.
I can barely remember what I had for dinner three nights ago, but I can still hear certain people saying things they told me fifty or sixty years ago.
Some of these comments were funny. Some were unintentionally wise. A few actually changed the direction of my life.
Here are ten of them, in no particular order.
"Do you think it's quicksand?"
One of my neighborhood friends asked me this while we were exploring a creek beyond "the forest" behind our houses. We were probably nine years old and had watched way too many Saturday morning adventure shows.
Back then, I was convinced quicksand would be one of the biggest dangers I'd face as an adult.
Turns out it wasn't nearly the problem television led us to believe.
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"I'm making a wing-wang for the duck's ass."
Whenever my father or one of my uncles was outside carving on a piece of wood with a pocketknife and I asked what they were making, this was almost always the answer.
To this day, I have no idea what a wing-wang actually is.
I'm not entirely convinced they did either.
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"Dang...did I just spit on you?"
That came from my high school track coach, Phil Welker.
He was explaining starts while chewing tobacco, and I happened to be crouched in the starting blocks directly below him.
Neither of us realized where I was until physics had already taken over.
Coach Welker was genuinely embarrassed.
I, on the other hand, suddenly had a much greater appreciation for standing upwind.
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"What the hell happened to you? You weren't half as big as a pissant when you left here!"
That greeting came from my old high school football coach, Jim Williams, when I stopped by after my freshman year at the University of Virginia.
College weightlifting had apparently worked.
Coach Williams had a unique way of handing out compliments.
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"It's either 'at some point' or 'at some time.' It's never 'at some point in time.' That's redundant."
One of my finance professors at Virginia interrupted class one day because someone had said "at some point in time."
It seemed to physically bother him.
I don't remember much else from that class, but more than forty years later I still catch myself editing that phrase whenever I hear it.
Apparently his lesson stuck.
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"You know, you're really not great at any one thing. But you're fairly competent at a whole bunch of things. Ever think about trying the decathlon?"
One of my favorite coaches at Virginia, Jim Beaver, said that to me one afternoon.
It wasn't exactly the inspirational speech you see in sports movies.
But he was right.
I switched to the decathlon and ended up loving it.
Sometimes the best advice isn't flattering.
It's simply honest.
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"I only have three rules in this company..."
The CEO of the first company I worked for leaned back in his chair during my interview and said:
"Respect for the customer. Assume good will. And don't screw the help."
He had just fired a vice president for violating Rule Number Three.
It was probably the most memorable job interview I've ever had.
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"Want to learn how to catch a javelin?"
That question came from one of our assistant track coaches.
My first thought was that it sounded like an excellent way to shorten my life expectancy.
Fortunately, he demonstrated that if you approached it from the side as it was coming down, catching a javelin wasn't nearly as dangerous as it sounded.
I'm still not sure it's a skill I've ever needed outside a track meet.
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"Whatever you do...don't tell Dad."
My older brother Mike whispered that after we hid fireworks in the bottom of our luggage while leaving Rio de Janeiro.
Using diplomatic passports to smuggle fireworks into the United States seemed like a perfectly reasonable plan to a couple of teenagers.
It's amazing any of us survived adolescence.
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"Joe...is there anything you'd like to tell us?"
My father asked that question at the dinner table one evening.
Earlier that day I'd gotten my nose broken in a fight.
My nose was swollen, crooked, and pointing noticeably to the right.
In my ten-year-old pea brain, I honestly thought I could just keep quiet and nobody would notice.
Eventually I confessed.
Dad took me to get it fixed.
He probably already knew the answer before he asked the question.
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Looking back, it's funny how certain sentences stay with us.
Most of the people who said these things probably forgot them five minutes later.
I never did.
